Countdown
by Bonzodog
Summary: JD knows the signs. He's seen them on countless patients, knows how serious they are. But what does he do when he's seeing them in his mirror?
1. Ten Regrets

JD was silent

**Right everyone! Back from sunny Spain, with nothing to show for it but a dancing flamingo and sunburn. Ahem. Anyway, I'm afraid I know nothing about medicine. So most of this is taken from Wikipedia and online medical sites. I'm more focussing on the emotional side. This is Slash, so turn away now if it makes your stomach turn. **

**Little AU Bits:**

**Turk and Carla have Izzy, and Dr Cox and Jordan have Jack. But Perry and Jordan aren't together, and Jordan and Kim aren't pregnant. In fact, Kim doesn't exist here. Also, in this story JD has his own apartment. Enjoy, and please please please review!**

**PS: Idea mildly borrowed from an AMAZING Torchwood writer, ebonyjet. She's not on this site, but you can catch her Torchwood cancer story "Things We Can't Fight' here:**

**/viewstory.php?sid16610**

**I beta it, but I'm lazy. If you love it and want updates, yell at me, 'kay?**

JD was silent. He sat absolutely still, not taking his eyes of the chart in front of him. It was not a good chart. It was, possibly, the worst chart he had ever seen. Mainly because it was his.

He spoke aloud. "Right, last time." He squeezed his eyes shut, and balled his hands into fists. "Come on……" he whispered, trying to ignore everything else. He opened his eyes, eagerly leaning forwards. The damn chart was still there. He read it again. Still said the same damn thing. Well, that had been an overall waste of time. He flopped backwards on to the table. It was cold, hard, and made of metal. Why had he never noticed how uncomfortable these tables were? Probably because he'd never had to lie on one of them before. He was quite glad of that. They bloody hurt.

This was his second time here. He was just as nervous this time round. JD had come into the Saint Giles hospital a week ago, and had been prodded, poked, x-rayed, sampled, and every other degrading thing he could imagine. It was not fun. He was beginning to feel very sympathetic for patients here after only a few minutes. Today he was here to get the results. And what results they were.

He opened his mouth to swear, then closed it. Swearing wouldn't help him now. He wasn't sure if anything could.

* * *

Carla sighed and leaned back slightly.

"Turk honey? You seen Bambi anywhere? I haven't seen him all day." Turk shrugged.

"Don't worry baby. He's probably just got the day off. My vanilla bear can take care of himself! No need to go all mushy on him." Carla rolled her eyes.

"Please. You worry about him even more than I do. If he's out of your sight for more than an hour at a time, you get all twitchy and irritable."

"I do not" Turk twitched, sounding irritated.

"And now you're angry."

"NO I'M NOT!" He yelled angrily.

"And now you're gonna storm off, all sulky."

"Am not." Turk said sulkily, before storming off. Carla sighed again, then grabbed hold of Dr Cox.

"You. Have you seen JD?" Dr Cox looked up. Carla cursed inwardly. She had begun to predict when he would rant. This time, she was right.

"Do I know where Barbara is? I don't know. I don't follow her little pink dress around all day you know, looking for bobbing pigtails in the crowd. Because, unlike most of you, I have a life. It may be one filled with idiots, morons, and worst of all, interns, but it's a life none the less. So, let's brainstorm. Where could Sally Anne be? She could be on a date with that patient's hot brother, couldn't she? But no, he can do better than her. So maybe her and Barbie could be shopping for lingerie, because after said patient's hot brother dumped her she went on an ice cream binge, and now nothing fits any more. But Barbie is, unfortunately, still here. And now here's a crazy thought- what if she's taken the day off? I mean, call me insane, but I think that it's not necessary for the girl to be at your side for every second of every day. Wait, I know what happened! While you weren't looking, Pricilla and his life partner Ghandi snuck off and are currently making out in a closet somewhere. Hmm? Or maybe-" Dr Cox marched off, still ranting as he went. Carla felt sorry for any intern that messed up today. Or spoke to him. Or breathed in his presence.

* * *

"Sorry for that Dr Dorian." The woman said, sitting down in front of him. "I had to go check up on something. Have you had a bit of time to think about this?" JD nodded, sighing. He really hated being in the patient position. He knew exactly what the woman was going to say next.

"So. Like I said, you have advanced renal cell carcinoma. More commonly known as kidney cancer. We didn't expect this as you have no family history of kidney problems, you don't smoke and it usually affects men far older than yourself. I'm afraid-"

"I only have around a 50 chance of survival," JD cut in. "This has probably been lowered due to the fact I waited too long to get it checked out. I have a tumour in my renal cortex, which is too large to be left. My choices are-"

"Excuse me, Dr Dorian, who is the medic here?" JD sighed.

"You are."

"You are-"

"Dr Roberts."

"Thank you. I do understand you feel the need to take over. This must be very hard for you. Unfortunately, you are correct. I suggest surgery." But JD was shaking his head.

"No."

"But Dr Dorian, I-"

"No."

"But-"

"NO!" he shouted suddenly. "No to all of this! I will not have the surgery because I don't want to die."

"Dr Dorian, you are getting your facts muddled. Without surgery, you will die." JD seemed defeated, and sunk back slightly.

"I want another treatment." He said softly. He looked up, doe like brown eyes filling with tears. "Please." Dr Roberts sighed.

"It seems I can't persuade you. If you really refuse to have the operation, we will have to resort to chemotherapy."

"Good. That's what I want."

"You do understand this cancer is notorious for being highly resistant to chemotherapy?"

"Yes." Dr Roberts sighed again.

"Alright. I'm not going to even pretend I understand what is going on in your head. You obviously are afraid of surgery, or hate it, or whatever. But I am strongly disappointed someone as experienced in medicine as you, who has seen the effects of this, are refusing what could possibly be your only hope at life. Do you understand?" JD looked up, before smiling beatifically.

"Oh, yes." He said, still smiling. He got up, brushing imaginary dirt from his lap. "If you don't mind, I'll be leaving."

"Okay Dr Dorian. We'll talk more. Same time, next week?"

"Sounds okay."

"And may I suggest you see a counsellor?"

"Sounds awful."

"Just once?" Dr Roberts asked, almost begging. She pushed her long red hair back from her face. "Please?" JD screwed his face up.

"Alright. Just once. Now, I really have to go."

"Of course." JD walked towards the exit, before pausing and turning around.

"Oh, and Dr Roberts?" The woman's deep green eyes flickered upwards. "Not a word to Sacred Heart?"

"Certainly. Hippocratic oath, remember?"

"Thank god, that's a huge relief. I couldn't stand them worrying about me. I'll be fine, yeh?" The smile returned, even wider than before. She smiled too. It was impossible not to.

"Goodbye Dr Roberts."

"Dr Dorian." She nodded. He walked out, still yelling back to her.

"I'll be fine! I'm perfect, yeh? I can beat anything!" She smiled. She'd never met a man so optimistic about his own downfall.

JD shut the door behind him and let his mask fall. His face crumpled and tears ran down his cheeks. He raked his hands through his hair. What the hell was he supposed to do now?

* * *

"So. Tell me more about yourself."

"What's to tell? I'm a thirty year old man with an old man's cancer. I'm a doctor, I work at Sacred Heart. I'm just me." The other man leant forwards slightly.

"You work at Sacred Heart?" the psychiatrist asked.

"That's what I said, isn't it?" JD said, annoyed. He did not want to be here. Or anywhere near here.

"But you were sent to me from St Giles hospital. You went there to be treated?"

"It would seem so." JD said, leaning back and suddenly finding his fingers very interesting.

"Why didn't you just go to Sacred Heart?"

"I dunno." He lied.

"You're lying!"

"Am not." He lied.

"Yes, I'm afraid you are." JD stood up suddenly.

"No, I'm the one that's afraid! I don't want my friends to see me like this. I've never been ill like this before, which I'm pretty damn glad for. They shouldn't worry about me."

"You're also afraid of appearing vulnerable or weak to those stronger than you." Dr Jones said, leaning back and looking bored. JD stared.

"Oh my god, Turk was right! You people are demons! Get out of my head!" JD scrambled away, before falling backwards off the chair. He stayed lying on the carpet, deciding it was comfier anyway.

"I'm also guessing it's one person you especially don't want to see you like this. Someone older? Wiser? Probably another doctor. Your attending." JD's jaw dropped open.

"Wow." Was all he could say. "Are you a mind reader too?" Dr Jones laughed.

"No, I just read this." He held up a piece of paper. On it, in scribbled writing, was about everything Dr Jones had just said.

"That's my diary!"

"I imagine it is."

"How dare you?"

"I found it on the ground. I didn't know it was yours!"

"It says 'Love, JD' at the bottom!"

"Well I had to read the rest first! Plus, why do you sign off a diary entry with 'love'?"

"I'm leaving." JD declared.

"Okey dokey. But JD-"

"Doctor Dorian."

"Doctor Dorian. Can you just do one thing for me?" JD groaned.

"Fine! Anything to let me go faster."

"May I suggest you make a list of ten regrets?" JD blinked.

"What?"

"It's something I advise all seriously ill patients. If there's a chance you could die, make a list of ten things you'll regret not doing. Settling down, starting a family. That kind of stuff."

"Fine. Can I go now?" JD asked sulkily. Dr Jones nodded, and JD practically sprinted out of the office.

* * *

Turk swore slightly as he listened to the rings. He was getting very bored. This was his third attempt at getting through to JD. He looked at his watch again. Wednesday, 21:34. Only half nine. JD should be in. He was about to give up when there was a crackle from the other end.

"Hello?" JD asked.

"Vanilla bear!" Turk cried, delighted. He hadn't thought the other man was going to pick up. "Where'd ya go today?"

"Um….praying."

"You, in a church?"

"Um, I meant singing."

"You, singing?"

"I was singing in a church! That's it, gospel choir."

"You, in a g-"

"I happen to like all the clapping!" Turk chuckled slightly.

"Okay, Vanilla Bear." Carla's voice rang through the apartment.

"Turk, honey? Could you come here for a minute?"

"That was Carla, JD. Gotta hang up. Sorry."

"It's okay, Brown Bear. Bye."

"Bye."

Turk wandered through. "What's up, baby?"

"Not much." She said. "Just feeling a bit sick."

"So?" Turk asked.

"And I feel really tired."  
"So?"

"And my boobs feel bigger?"

"Really?" Turk asked gleefully.

"TURK! I might be pregnant…." Turk stared.

"No way…."

"You're right, no way. I already did the test, didn't I Izzy? And it was negative." Turk let out a breath.

"That was mean, woman!"

"It'll teach you to pay more attention to me! And don't you dare 'woman' me!" _Eep_, Turk thought. _Carla's getting angry…best completely change the subject._

"I'm worried about JD." He said suddenly.

"Bambi? Why?" She asked, distracted.

"I called him up to ask where he was an he sounded pretty flustered."

"Where did he say he was?"

"Gospel choir. Apparently he 'likes the clapping'."

"Sounds like our JD."

"I know, but I don't think that's where he was…"

"Best leave it. He's our friend. We gotta believe him."

"Okay." Turk said uncertainly. "But I'm still worried…"

"Well," Carla said, her tone suddenly seductive. "Let me….distract you." Turk's eyes lit up and he stalked over, grinning insanely. He reached in for a kiss, which Carla dodged.

"Someone's gullible tonight." She remarked, picking up Izzy and walking into the kitchen with her.

"Damn!" Turk yelled, slamming the table.

* * *

"Damn!" JD yelled, for a different reason entirely. He was halfway through this stupid 'Ten Regrets' list, and he was stuck.

"_Well…"_ he thought._ "I have always wondered whether you can actually hitch a lift in a kangaroos pouch…" _He scribbled down "Never went to Australia." He added another one he had just thought of, then looked at the five things he had down so far. _God, this list is depressing,_ he thought, sighing. Then a smile lit up his face and he scribble down two more. Eight down, two to go. He sighed again before closing his eyes and writing down two more things. He knew he would have to write them, but he didn't really like them being on paper. He picked up the piece of paper, and read it to himself.

**Ten Regrets**

**1: Never got married**

**2: Never fell properly, totally, head-over-heels in love**

**3: Never had kids**

**4: Never perfected victory dance**

**5: Never went to Australia**

**6: Never learned to like Scotch**

**7: Never punched Dan for annoying me**

**8: Never punched Keith for being- well, Keith**

**9: Never 'came out of the closet'**

**10: Never told Dr Cox I –**

The rest of the last one was scribbled out.


	2. Nine Missed Calls

**Hola everyone! Lots of reviewers about last chapter said it needed spaces. Sorry! It did have line breaks, but the site didn't recognise them when I uploaded the story. I fixed it later. I should really should learn to check the Documents page before I turn them into stories…anyway, enjoy!**

**PS: Yes! I actually updated! Shocker, eh?**

_Dear diary,_

_Well, I finally got the results, and you're not going to believe this. I know I didn't. I have the big C. Yup, you heard me right. I've got can-_

JD suddenly put his pen down. On a strange urge, he reached into his pocket and pulled out the diary page Dr Jones had read. Thank god, it didn't have anything embarrassing about Dr Cox on there. He couldn't bear Dr Jones reading that and getting all kinds of ideas about him. He could already hear the psychiatrist in his head. "Weak….desperate for stronger, male figure to care for him…. incapable and needy…"

_No_. He would not let that happen. The diary page had fallen out a few days ago, and he had absent mindedly stuck it in his jacket pocket. That meant anyone could have pulled it out. He shuddered at that, before crossing out what he had just been writing. He didn't want anyone knowing about this. That meant no more putting thoughts down on paper, where anyone could read them. JD was going to have to start being more careful. Speaking of careful, what time was it? He kept losing track of normal things, like time and meals and things. It seemed impossible just a week ago he was watching TV, oblivious to the time bomb inside him. He shook his head, and looked at the clock. 6 o'clock on a Thursday. SHIT. He was going to be late for work. JD sprung up, looking around frantically for his clothes. Then he sank down against the wall, head in hands. Maybe he'd miss work today.

* * *

Kelso frowned. "Turkleton!" He yelled. Turk looked up.

"Sir?"

"Where is Dr Dorian? This is the second day he's missed."

Turk shrugged. "I dunno. He said he went to a choir yesterday, but I don't know about today. Hold on." He leant backwards in his chair. "Baby!" Carla's head snapped up.

"What's up Turk?"

"You seen JD?"

"No. Have you tried asking Cox? Maybe he finally killed him." Quite conveniently, Dr Cox chose that moment to walk by. Turk grabbed his arm. Dr Cox very slowly dropped his head to stare at Turk's hand.

"Gandhi, you'd better have a reason for touching me or I will let my ex wife sacrifice you to her demonic overlords." He hissed. Turk shot backwards.

"I just want to know if you've seen JD today." Dr Cox rolled his eyes.

"Gandhi, we went over this yesterday. I don't know or care where Sarah May might be. If I'm lucky, she'll figure out her true calling is in ballet, leave the hospital for good, don a tutu and perform Swan Lake so beautifully they start making Barbie versions of her. Speaking of Barbie, where is that irritatingly blonde, blonde irritation? Ask her, she probably accidently slept with him again." He stormed off, leaving Carla to wonder why he was in a bad mood- _again_. Elliot popped up from behind the nurses station, startling Carla out of her thoughts.

"Hi guys! What ya talking about?" she asked, far too cheery for that time in the morning.

"JD. Have you seen him?" Carla replied, leaning forwards. Elliot shook her head.

"Nope, sorry. I think he's avoiding us or something. I'm avoiding Dr Cox because I'm PMS-ing and I don't want to start crying in front of him-again. I'm not ignoring JD. At least, I'm pretty sure I'm not. Because yesterday I saw him in town, and said 'Hi!', but he ignored me. So I'm not sure whose avoiding who." Carla had long ago learned to search Elliot's comments for anything useful, and let the rest fly out of her head.

"You saw him in town? When?"

"Quite early" Elliot said, annoyed at the interruption. "But I haven't seen him since then."

"Wonder what he was doing there." Carla said.

* * *

JD tried to pull himself out of bed. No use. He could still not come up with a reason why he should put both feet on the ground. He sighed, and flopped back down, tugging the duvet up to his chin. This would be his third day off work so far. Even Dr Kelso would begin to suspect something. Or maybe not. JD was just 'a large pair of scrubs' to him. Speaking of large pairs of scrubs, he'd better get a new set. His were already hanging off him.

Damned cancer.

* * *

JD meant to go to work the next day. He really did. It was Saturday, and four days off work with no explanation wouldn't go unnoticed. He had even begun to put his scrubs on, when his phone rung. He answered it to a light female voice.

"Hello? Dr Dorian?"

"Yes?"

"This is Dr Clarice Roberts, from St Giles hospital."

"Oh. Hello." He said unenthusiastically.

"Is it possible for you to come in today?"

"Why?"

"Discuss options some more, now that you've had time to think about it. A bit more counselling. Just general helping-you-cope stuff. So, can you come?" JD looked at the scrubs in his hands. Not having to face his friends was tempting.

"Okay." He decided. "I'll be there in half an hour.

* * *

"The fourth day!" Turk raged. "Four! No phone call, no note, no nothing. Just gone!"

"Dude, calm down." Todd said, swinging his legs. "He's probably just sick or something."

"You think he'd tell me!" Turk yelled, startling some passing interns. Judging by their scared faces, Dr Cox was still in a very bad mood. He always was when JD was off. He explained it as 'not having anyone's life to make miserable'. That meant Elliot, the interns and the other doctor's got JD's dose of rants piled on them. Resulting in pissed off doctors, petrified interns and a crying Elliot.

None of which were very good for the running of the hospital. Patients went untreated, Kelso got angry and the entire place had a black cloud hanging over it. Just because one guy was gone for a few days.

* * *

"Why am I here again?" JD asked. He had forgotten how truly uncomfortable the damned table-beds were.

"To discuss treatment."

"Chemo." JD replied immediately.

"Why not surgery?"

"Because I want chemo." Dr Roberts sighed.

"Dr Dorian, this is going to get very boring very quickly."

"Then stop asking about operations."

"I don't understand why you won't-"

"I have seen too many good people die because of bad surgeons" JD said suddenly, cutting her off. "Jocks, party guys. I don't want that to happen to me. I don't know your workers."

"Fine then. That's understandable. Maybe you could have the surgery at Sacred Heart." JD snorted.

"I am SO not leaving my life in the hands of 'The Todd'. I'd wake up with breasts."

"Yes…. I have met 'The Todd', so I can understand that. But what about the other surgeon….what's his name…. Dr Turk?"

"Absolutely not." JD replied.

"Why not?"

"He's my best friend. I thought we'd been over the not-telling-Sacred-Heart thing?"

"You're stressy." Dr Roberts said casually, writing something down on JD's chart.

"Are you writing that down?"

"Possibly" she said, smiling slightly.

"Well don't." He said, annoyed. "Remember, Hippocratic oath. You can't tell other doctors about me."

"Yeh," she said. "Well maybe this is just for me." He shook his head at the general weirdness of her comment, and continued talking.

"I mean, I don't really want to die. It's not number 1 on my list of things to do in life."

"As long as it's not in the top three, you don't really have any concerns." She said, smiling. "Now, about-" Suddenly a rude knocking came at the door. JD wasn't entirely sure how knocking could sound rude, but it did.

"Doctor Roberts! Your next patient has been waiting for ten minutes!" She looked at the clock at swore.

"Sorry about this, Dr Dorian. I'll call to discuss this later today. Goodbye."

* * *

"Five days? No, that's just not acceptable." This time it was Carla getting pissed off. One hand on hip, eyes narrowed slightly. The pose screamed "I'm-pissed-off-and-if-you-don't-know-why-I'm-gonna-bust-your-ass-bitch".

"That's what I've been telling you!" Turk said, exasperated. "JD loves nothing more than to talk about things. He doesn't just suddenly miss work with no explanation."

"Have you tried the apartment?" Carla asked hopefully. But Turk nodded.

"Yeh. No answer."

"Did you shout?"

"Rang the bell, knocked, yelled, banged on the window- everything. He either wasn't in or wasn't answering."

"Damn it!" Carla yelled, bringing her fist down on the counter.

"Woah" Dr Cox said, stepping out of the shadows. "It would appear there's a problem here. And as much as I would love to add to it and watch Gandhi squirm under the pressure, I do mildly respect Carla and I do enjoy pointing out the blatantly obvious: why not just phone Nancy?"

"She- he's not picking up." Turk spat.

"Then use the wonders of technology and leave a message."

"What?"

"Leave. A. Message. Dear GOD Turtlehead, I knew you were stupid but this, this is just mad. I mean, and people trust you to stick a knife in their gut and ferret around? Come ON! And another thing…" Dr Cox walked off, still ranting at anyone in his way.

"As stupid as Dr Cox was being, he holds a point. Come on Turk, lets go call him."

* * *

JD groaned as he rubbed his head. He had a headache. Nothing to do with the cancer, but bloody painful all the same. He grabbed a packet of painkillers from the cupboard and took a few. Pouring himself a drink, he settled himself down on the sofa, ready for a nap. It was only then he noticed the flashing red light on his phone. Huh?

He leant over and hit a button.

"You have nine new messages. To listen to them, press 1. To delete all messages, press 2. To-"

JD cut the automated voice off by pressing down the '1' key. He listened as a beep sounded, then a worried voice filled the room.

"_JD, it's Brown Bear. Where the hell are you man? I mean, you weren't at work these last few days. I know you said you went to church the first day, but you haven't called since then. Did someone hurt you? You know I'll kill anyone that touches my Vanilla Bear….."_ There was a pause. _"Anyway, that's all I really have to say. Bye."_

JD was overcome with an urge to phone Turk and reassure him everything was alright. But before he could, the next message began. A frantic, high pitched whine filled the air.

"_JD, it's me. By me, I mean Elliot. You know, Elliot Reid? We work together? We're best friends, and…" _A voice in the background- probably Turk- murmured

"He knows who you are!" Elliot ignored him and continued.

"_Anyway, I was just wondering where you've been for the last five days. Cuz I'm pretty sure you haven't been at the hospital. I mean, I haven't seen you. Anyway, I was just wondering- did someone dump you? Because when this guy, Matt, dumped me when I was 15, I was so depressed I stayed in my room for weeks, crying and eating chocolate. I hope you don't stay in there for weeks…….. you'll get fat. Anyway, give me a call or something."  
_

JD shook his head, smiling slightly. Good old Elliot- always frazzled and distracted. He waited as the next message clicked into life.

"…_and then I was like, why don't we come back to my place? And she was like, sure. But then she elbowed me in the crotch and ran…… So what, I grabbed another girl's ass before we left! There's enough of me to go around! I don't see anything wrong with wanting to get twice the booty……do you? I didn't think so…. You're a good friend. 'So-not-fair' five!"_ There was a crash and a 'snap', shortly followed by someone shouting.

"_TODD! The answering machine's on!"_

"_Oh, right. I so knew that. Anyway, hi dude! I dunno what's wrong with you, but I do know Turk's seriously bummed. Not even my high fives cheered him up! So, whatever it is, get rid of it and get the hell back to work. Seeya round!"_

Yeh. Well, that was typical of the Todd. At least there was no innuendo or mention of packages. That was a rare miracle.

"Next!" he yelled, quite getting into the swing of things. On cue, the next message came on.

"_Bambi, where in the name of hell are you? Missing one day was alright, I guess. But this? This is so not right. You just think you can walk out for a couple of days? Well I aint buying it! You have patients that need you!" _There was a pause, and then her tone seemed to soften.

"_Well, anyway, please call back. You know I'm always here for you. Seriously, I don't like the thought of you keeping secrets back from me. We're your friends, Bambi. Remember that."_

As Carla's slightly scary message came to an end, JD tried to remember the last secret he'd kept back from Carla and Turk. It was……. It was……… no, he couldn't remember. He'd always told them everything- until now. He was happy when the next message broke his train of thought.

"_Um- hello? Is that Dr Dorian? It's Keith. Elliot told me you didn't reply to her call? So, um……. She told me to like, call you or something? So, here I am. Calling you. And…….. um……….. call back or whatever."_

Well that was a generally useless piece of information. JD screwed up his face. Ten seconds of his life….wasted. It was a shame, really. Maybe the next recording would be better.

"_Dr Dorian, this is Ted Buckland. Dr Kelso has been informed of your absence of late, and he wants to know why you aren't here. He said he is prepared to let you go if you're going to take days off whenever you feel like it. He wanted to know if you were dead." _There was a pause, and then the formality broke. _"If you are dead, you're one lucky bugger."_

So Ted was suicidal and kissing Kelso's ass. What else was new? The seventh message began to play.

"_Listen, Scooter, cuz I'm gonna make this quick. I had a giant bucket of glue, just waiting to be dumped on your head! And did you turn up? No. So now I have to pick dried PVA off my best bucket with a damned screwdriver! Turn up soon or that glue heading for you's gonna be swapped for acid……."_

He shuddered slightly at the vaguely threatening message. Seven down, two to go.

"_DJ, there's a seriously pissed of Perry skulking around my house. He's whining and winging and generally annoying the crap outta me. Normally his misery would bring me indescribable joy, but it's getting irritating. Get your ass back to work so he has someone to vent his anger on, would ya?"_

Yeh. Jordan wasn't exactly great at the whole 'get-well-'thing'. JD got ready for the last message. It had been nice, hearing that people missed him. Well, some people. Well, Turk and Carla……..

"_Newbie!"_ The sudden voice made his head snap up. _"Well hey there Joan. Sorry to burst your little bubble, but your are a doctor and doctor's aren't really allowed to take days off work when they get a little depressed. As far as I know, there are two main reasons women like you miss work. The first is that it's their 'time of the month'. And the latter is that the former hasn't come, so you'd better scuttle down to the pharmacy, buy a test and pray that hunky guy from Tammie's party didn't go beyond second base with you when you were pumped full of appletini." _There was silence_. "Oh, and Lucy? Get well soon, would ya? I…… I kinda miss you." _

The message clicked off, leaving JD to stare, open mouthed at the now silent phone.


	3. Eight Dollars

**What? I'm updating Countdown? Gasp! I thought I might have lost all my fanfic files when my computer broke, but when the nice Comet people FINALLY fixed it, all my files were still floating around. But because I have to use a different version of word to my normal one, don't blame me if something looks weird. Blame word! Hehe. Anyways, enjoy! If you can….. I don't like this chapter much. Huh well. Reviews are love!**

**Jess xxx**

"Good morning Doctor Dorian." Ted said as JD walked past. "Not dead, then?" JD shook his head, and Ted sighed.

"There's always next time." Ted said reassuringly, patting him on the shoulder. He whistled a bit as he walked off. JD stared after him in shock, before looking away and switching his attention to the Latina woman rushing towards him at about a hundred miles an hour.

"JD!" Carla yelled happily, before pulling him into a bone crushing hug. After a few seconds where he almost passed out, he relaxed and hugged Carla back. Which was when she slapped him.

"Ow! What was that for?" He complained, rubbing his cheek.

"For making us worry." She pouted.

"Sorry." He sighed. Turk and Elliot caught sight of him, and ran over too. Elliot collapsed into his arms, sobbing and babbling. Turk just grinned and said "Welcome back, Vanilla Bear."

"Guys!" JD said. "I've only been gone five days!".

"That was five days too many." Turk said. JD went to thank him, but before he could he spotted a familiar head of red curls.

"Dr Cox!" he yelled, running after him. "Doctor Cox, I'm back!" Perry turned and glared at him.

"I can see that, Scarlett. But you've now wasted ten seconds of my time. And those ten seconds were kinda critical, seeing as my next patient is a son of a board member, and if he kicks the bucket any time soon, his mother's going to be wearing my testicles as earrings. Shortly afterwards, I'll be fired, get depressed and kill myself and then my ghost will come back to get revenge on you." He prodded JD in the chest with the last word, before continuing walking.

"What's up with him?" JD asked Carla, confused.

"You breathed?"

"Nah. Normally he rants, but today he just straightaway launched into a really random rant. He only called me one girls name and didn't even insult my ability as a doctor!" Carla shook her head and sighed.

"I don't know, Bambi. Maybe he's just stressed. Now, you'd better get back to work. Otherwise you're gonna get lynched by the doctors who covered your patients." She looked down at the charts in her hand. "Wait, no. Doctor."

"What?"

"Seems that one Perry Cox took all of your patients for you, on top of his. No wonder he's stressed." She handed the charts to him, and wandered off to find Turk.

* * *

Perry leant against the wall, trying to resist the urge to smash his head against it. What was wrong with the damn board member? He couldn't think of anything else, he'd ruled out everything he could have thought of. He was contemplating running away when a familiar brunette peered round the door.

"This had better be good, Hannah." He growled.

"It is!" JD beamed. "I've come to help with your patient!" Perry blinked and shook his head, as if to clear it.

"I'm sorry, but how exactly is this good news?" JD ignored him- often the best way to deal with Doctor Cox- and snatched the chart out of Perry's hands.

"Let's see…… " Perry growled, but JD ignored him. "Male, 60 year old smoker. Urine darker than usual, been losing weight, constipation and high blood pressure….." JD stopped talking and his eyes clouded over.

"What?" Perry asked gruffly.

"I- I- be right back!" JD blurted. The chart hit the floor as he bolted towards the toilets.

* * *

JD sat inside the cubical, trying to keep his breathing steady.

Okay, don't panic. The voice of reason in his head soothed him. There are other diseases that have those symptoms. It doesn't have to be cancer. He took a deep breath and stood up. Shakily, he hurried back to where Doctor Cox was standing.

"And what was that about, Newbie?"

"Oh……. Nothing." JD lied. "But I think I might have fi-figured your patient out."

"Really? What is it then, Jennifer?"

"Well, let's see…. Constipation, high blood pressure, temporary visual problems…. I think it all adds up to re-" He gulped, then took a deep breath and said "Renal cell carcinoma." Perry looked blank for a minute, but then his face lit up.

"Of course! I'll go and tell him what I figured out he might have, and run a few tests to check. I am a genius for figuring this one out! And all by myself!" JD went to correct him, but Perry was already striding triumphantly through the patients door. JD sighed and shook his head, before walking away. If the guy did have this disease, he didn't want to get too attached.

* * *

The diagnosis had been correct, and after a surgical consult the man had decided on having an operation. About a week or so later, Perry sat down, tray hitting the table with a loud thud.

"Dr Cox, why are you eating lunch with us?" Elliot asked.

"Shuttup Barbie." He growled. There was a moment or two of silence, before Carla reached out a hand and placed it gently on his arm.

"What happened?"

"You know my kidney cancer patient?" Carla nodded, not seeing JD wince behind her as Dr Cox spoke. "We lost him in surgery."

A chair scraped back and JD leapt to his feet. "I've gotta go, sorry. Gotta….. Um, go meet someone." He quickly sprinted out of the room. Carla looked back to Dr Cox.

"That was weird." She commented.

"Yeh….. it was. He did that when he figured out what the patient had, as well."

"Have any patients close to him died of cancer or kidney diseases recently?" Dr Cox shook his head.

"No. An old man died a few weeks ago, but that was heart disease."

"Wonder what's up with him then." Carla commented, sipping her coffee.

"Won't be anything big, Carla. It never is at Sacred Heart."

* * *

The irony of Dr Cox's last comment was, that at that point in time, there was nothing big at Sacred Heart. As soon as JD had got the chance, he had gotten to the bus to the other side of town and gone straight into St Giles.

"Do you have an appointment, sir?" The woman at reception asked sweetly.

"No…. but me and the doctor are close. She'll understand." JD said, running his hands through his hair.

"Close or not, this is a hospital and there are patients that need seeing."

"Look, is she on lunch break?"

"Sir-"

"Just tell me if Dr Roberts is on lunch break. If she is, then I'll see her. If she isn't, I won't bother her." The receptionist was weakening.

"Look, doctor's need breaks too."

"Yeh, we do. Look, scrubs." He said, pulling at his blue top. "Now, is Dr Roberts on lunch break?"

"Yes." The receptionist said, giving in.

"Thank you!" JD said, jogging off to find her. He tried the canteen first, but she wasn't there. The corridors were the same. He'd just about given up when a voice yelled "Hey! JD!"

He turned around to see a blonde woman grinning at him. For a few seconds, he had no idea who she was. Then he clocked her green eyes and slim face and realised who it was.

"Dr Roberts! I'm so sorry, I didn't realise…. You know, with your….. Hair." He gestured weakly to his own head, feeling awkward.

"No problem. I dyed it red for a while, but I fancied a change. This is my normal hair colour."

"Oh…." he said, unsurely. "It's, um, very nice."

Dr Roberts laughed, and patted the seat next to her. JD sat down.

"So, Dr Roberts-" he began.

"I'm not working right now, so call me Clarice."

"Okay, um, Clarice." The word felt foreign and awkward on his tongue, but Dr Roberts beamed at it.

"So what's on your mind, JD?" The whole story of the cancer patient came blurting out before he could even think, and Dr Roberts listened patiently.

"So the patient died?" JD nodded, his eyes welling up. He quickly blinked the tears away.

"So now you're really against having the surgery." He nodded again. She sighed. "JD…."

"I know what you're gonna say." He interrupted. "That the surgery going wrong was a one in million chance. That it probably would never happen to me, and my fears are all pointless and unrealistic. You're gonna recommend I go back to the shrink, and be asked to talk about my dreams and look at pictures of inkblots- which, by the way, never look like anything except for fucking blots of ink- so that I can get shoved on twelve years worth of medication to make me 'normal'. Aren't you?"

Dr Roberts blinked. "Actually, I was just gonna ask if you wanted half of my sandwich. But that's good too."

* * *

"Thanks for coming" Carla said, opening the door and hugging Elliot tight. "I just don't know what to do."

"I'm worried too." Elliot said, hanging her coat up and shaking some of the rain from her hair.

"I'm not. I think you guys are being dumb." Turk said from his seat on the sofa. The women ignored him

"Do you think anyone else is gonna turn up?" Carla asked Elliot.

"I don't know. Who did you ask?""Um….. You guys….."

"Who else?"

"Dr Cox…."

Elliot snorted. "Good luck with that."

"Laverne….."

"Probably will come, but only for the gossip."

"The Todd……"

"Oh Carla, you didn't!"

"And Ted and Kelso."

"Ted might come if you're lucky."

"Give him ten minutes." Turk suggested from the sofa.

"Okay" Carla said, still uncertain. Ten minutes later, Ted and Todd had turned up.

"Guess that's it." Carla said sadly.

"You didn't really expect Kelso or Cox to turn up, did you?" Turk snorted.

"Not really….. But it would have been nice… huh well." Carla stood up, and held up her hand for silence.

"It's like a courtroom in here." Turk began to whisper, before remembering JD wasn't there. He frowned, missing his Vanilla Bear. Then he looked up as Carla began to talk.

"Okay, thanks for coming everyone…."

"I just came in case there was an off chance of an orgy." Todd offered, raising his hand.

"It's really nice of you." Carla said, blanking him. "We need all the help we can on this one. We have to figure out why JD's acting so weird."

* * *

JD, at this point in time, was buying himself a chocolate bar from the hospital gift shop. He wondered whether, as a cancer sufferer, he should be watching his diet. He decided against it, and handed the man the money, peeling the wrapper away from the bar.

"You ready to go?" Dr Roberts asked.

"Go where?" JD asked curiously, stuffing the change and receipt into his pocket.

"I dunno. Just…. Walk around, I guess."

"Okay." He said, happily following her.

* * *

"For the love of god!" Turk burst out, sitting upright. "There's nothing wrong with him!"

"Turk, are you blind or just an idiot?" Elliot yelled back.

"Elliot's right!" Carla said. "First he misses five days of work, with no explanation."

"He was probably just ill." Turk sighed.

"Then why didn't he say so?" Carla snapped at him. Turk had no answer for that, and decided to quit while he was very far behind.

"So, first five days off work." Carla continued. "Then he comes back with no reasons. When he diagnosed the patient, he ran off. And then when he learnt he'd died, he ran off and we haven't seen him since. Any ideas?"

* * *

JD and Doctor Roberts were in the park when her pager beeped.

"Crap!" she yelled, causing several old ladies to turn and glare at them. "I'm so sorry, JD, but this one's an emergency."

"That's okay." He told her. "I'll be fine."

"Really?" She checked, chewing her lip nervously.

"Of course! Now go, okay?"

"Okay." She grinned, before turning and sprinting in the direction of the hospital. JD's smile dropped the second she was out of sight. He sighed, and wandered over the playground, watching the kids have fun.

Two blonde boys whizzed round and round on the roundabout, going faster and faster all the time JD watched them.

He turned his attention to the three on the climbing frame: the two brunette girls racing up the ladders to drop down the slides, and the redheaded boy trying to reach the end of the monkey bars, falling every time.

And then he changed to watching the last kid. The small brunette boy was the only one on the swings, caught up in a world of his own. He pushed himself higher and higher, eyes closed tight, a brilliant smile on his face. JD smiled softly, an echo of the boy's huge grin.

* * *

"Did he know the patient well?" Elliot asked.

"I don't think so…."

"Cuz he might have been with them for the days he was gone." Carla shook her head.

"I don't think so……" She said again.

"Maybe he turned gay." Todd piped up.

"Shuddup Todd." The whole room told him.

"Maybe he's……." Ted began.

"What, Ted?" Elliot asked.

"What was wrong with the patient that died?"

"Kidney cancer." Carla said, straight away. Nurses had to know these things.

"Maybe……. Dr Dorian……. Has…… kidney can-" He never got any further than that.

"Don't be stupid, Ted." Turk hissed.

"Yeh." Elliot agreed. "Just because JD's acting weird, doesn't mean he's that ill."

"I mean, we're his best friends. He'd tell us if there was something like that going on……….. Wouldn't he?"

* * *

"Turned perverted there, Nancy?" A voice came as JD watched the children playing. "You know, you can get arrested for that."

"What, for watching little kids have fun?" He answered dully.

"Yup," Dr Cox said, walking down to where JD was. "Looks very suspicious to the person walking by."

"Yeh, yeh, I'm sure." JD muttered.

"What's wrong with you?" Dr Cox asked, turning JD to face him. Upon seeing his pale face, Dr Cox got angry.

"Prucilla! You are a doctor, for god's sakes! Would you please, PLEASE try to act like one? And by that I mean not starving yourself to death! When was the last time you ate?"

"I had a chocolate bar at lunch." He mumbled. It wasn't entirely untrue, he had eaten half of it after all.

"That's it? Come on, you're getting coffee."

"But I don't want-" JD stopped as a strong hand grabbed his scrubs and dragged him away. JD sat moodily at a table as Dr Cox chatted up the nurses. Eventually, the man slammed a tray down onto the table. It held a large coffee, a chocolate muffin and a pack of biscuits.

"Eat, Deloris." Dr Cox said, leaning back in his chair. JD quietly obliged, slurping the coffee down and feeling surprised at how better he felt afterwards. He was still eating when Dr Cox spoke up again.

"Oh, by the way- you owe me eight dollars."

"Wha?" JD said, his mouth full of muffin.

"For god's sakes Clarabelle, swallow before you speak! Did your mother not teach you any manners at all?" JD swallowed obediently, before repeating his question.

"What?"

"That lot was eight dollars. Money, please."

"So much for a gesture of goodwill." JD murmured under his breath, before throwing the change onto the table and storming off.

"What a girl." Dr Cox said to no one, leaning forward to pick up the money. He counted it out, happy to see Newbie hadn't ripped him off. Then he frowned. He picked up the piece of paper lying next to the dollar bills, and frowned again. It was a receipt. Scanning through it, he saw that it was for one chocolate bar….. From St Giles hospital gift shop? Why would Newbie go there?

* * *

JD sat at home, all the lights in his room turned off. Sobs racked his body as he lay curled up on the bed.

"What the hell do I do now?" He asked nobody. And when nobody replied, he just started sobbing again.


	4. Seven Things In My Room

**Yes, it's time for the annual update. I was choosing options for my GSCEs at school, so I've been busy. But I conjured up a filler chapter for you! Sorry. I promise more will happen in the next one, which I am working on. I appear to have lost my little notebook I kept on the series, so it might tail off a bit. Or a lot. Bah, whenever I write Countdown, I always worry that it's not as good as the last one. Oh, and one last thing- **

**I would like to remind everybody that this **_**is**_** Slash and it is **_**staying**_** Slash. Anyways, on with the fic and I hope you like it!**

'Seven Things In My Room.'

It sounded like an essay title. In a few seconds, JD was 14 again, and stuck with writing 2000 words on "What family means to me". He shook that rather nasty memory away, and returned to the present world- staring at a sheet of lined paper, empty except for that title and the numbers 1 to 7.

Dr Jones was definitely a freak, JD decided. First 10 regrets, then 7 things in his room?

"To make you consider what's precious, and why." The psychiatrist had said.

How was that going to help? JD didn't know, but out of boredom, he had decided to try and do the list.

He looked around. There had to be something, right?

The first thing he saw was his wallet. He'd been out to buy a newspaper, a stupid habit he'd gotten into. He liked checking it for medical updates. All he ever got was a list of food he shouldn't eat to _avoid_ cancer, but was a bit late for that. Plus it changed every week, often contradicting itself. Red wine is bad, it's good, don't eat meat, eat meat… JD had stopped trusting newspapers a while ago.

There wasn't much money left in the wallet. There'd stop being money altogether if he didn't start working. That scared him a little. When… _if _he became to unwell to work, what would happen? Dan could hardly support him. He let his thoughts wander towards Turk, Carla and Elliot, but he soon stopped that. He didn't want to see, or think about his friends at the moment. They'd be worrying him about it. Stupid cancer, making them worry, Stupid wallet making _him _worry. All the same, he added it to his list.

**1. Wallet (money troubles)  
**

He headed to the kitchen to get a glass of water, pausing at the cupboard. He opened it up, picked up a packet of crisps. Water forgotten, he walked back to his room.

"I _will_ eat these." He said forcefully to himself on the way. "I _will."_ But it didn't work. He opened them, took a single crisp and tried to eat it. It tasted like cardboard in his mouth. He couldn't eat anymore. Groaning, he threw the packet across the room. Then, thinking, he wrote that down.

**2) Uneaten crisps (not hungry anymore)  
**

JD sighed, and went to use the toilet.

_No, inner monologue. _He said to himself. _I am not just putting it off. _JD spent a long time in his bathroom, finding various things to do. He checked the ingredients in all his shampoos (he had about 7). He alphabetized his medical cabinet. He even weighed himself, finding out he had lost a fair amount. He sighed a little, thinking of the uneaten crisps.

Heading back to the bedroom, he froze, staring at the pot of hair gel on his bedside table. Something struck him that hadn't before, even when he was picking up shampoos. He wrote it down before he could forget.  
**  
3) Hair gel (hair loss)**

JD was getting bored, so he picked up random things, trying to find the meaning behind them.

**4) Holiday brochure**

Life, he supposed. How many holidays would he have? Nodding to himself, he scribbled** (life) **after it. 4 down, 3 to go.

He supposed he would have to put the scrubs in the corner down, wouldn't he? He wasn't even sure why he had them. But all the same he did, and so he added them to the list.

**5) Scrubs (work)**

Trying desperately to think of the final two, he was suddenly shocked into life by the opening notes of the Gilmore Girls theme tune. He picked his vibrating mobile phone up and flipped it open. But as he did, it stopped ringing.

_**One missed call  
**__**Unknown number**_

"Helpful" he scowled to himself. Staring at the phone, he had another brainwave.

**6) Mobile phone (friends)**

He held the phone in his hand for a moment, looking at it until his screensaver kicked in.

It was a picture of the hospital from last year, one of the group pictures Bob Kelso had insisted on. The older doctors clumped together at the back and the interns formed a scared mess at the front. Somewhere in the middle stood JD, Turk, Carla, Elliot and Dr Cox, who was desperately trying to look like he wasn't with them. Groaning inwardly, JD forced himself to write the last point, being as vague as he could.

**7) Photograph (Love)  
**

The pencil had _just _left the paper when he heard a knock at the door. He froze, and waited, trying not to even breathe. There was a pause, then the knock came again.

_Do I want to answer it? _He wondered. _Who is it? Turk? Elliot? _

"Who's there?" He called, mouth dry. No answer came.

"H-hello?" He called again. Still nothing. He stumbled towards the door, tugged it open. He looked left, then right.

"What the hell?" He yelled angrily. Nobody was there. He looked from left to right, but there was definitely no one. He slammed the door shut and went back inside.

* * *

Just out of sight, around the corner, sat Perry Cox. He leaned against the wall, breathing heavily from running so fast.

"What was I thinking?" He hissed to himself. "Stupid, stupid, stupid." He stood up, shaking his head. He cast one glance back to JD's door.

"No." He said to himself, as he walked away. "No." Still murmuring that word, he headed back to his apartment, where he intended to drink until receipts, absences and suspicions left his mind for good.


	5. Six Rumours

**Write, write, write…**

**I forgot what was supposed to happen in this chapter.**

**I am now officially making it up as I go along. But I updated within a year of a previous update, so I win. My muse, it is back! Everybody hug the Countdown-Muse!**

**New things:**

**Thoughts! Yey! If you see_ italics_, ****those are thoughts. JD's and Dr Cox's, to be exact. If I change characters, a line break separates them.**

**Hope you enjoy it!**

Work became something of an escape for JD. In the hospital, you saved lives and did little else. Even things like pulling pranks with Turk and avoiding high fiving Todd became a simple routine.

After a while he was able to shut his mind down and let his body go through the actions of the goofy best friend, the kind doctor, the hopeless romantic. He smiled at the right times, and remembered to hold his head up when he walked. And as much as he might have secretly wished they did, nobody noticed.

Well, not much.

There were still rumours, of course. There were _always _rumours. Fire could be falling from the skies and Laverne would still be whispering "Did you hear…?".

In a way, he quite enjoyed them. The best was _definitely _"What was on the slip of paper Dr Dorian gave Dr Cox?". JD had realised the receipt was missing soon after he had left the park. He had decided that, if questioned, he would say he was visiting a sick friend. But no one had asked, so he just lay back and let the chit chat wash over him.

No one had guessed it yet. His personal favourite was still that it was a receipt for a leather belt, 2 packs of condoms, a tube of lubricant and cherry red lipstick. He had been a little confused about that one. But then again, the Todd had made it up, so it wasn't _that_ shocking.

The one he tried to avoid was "What's wrong with Dr Dorian?". He was always afraid somebody would get too close to guessing the truth. There were roughly six different strains he had heard. The first was that he had been dumped.

Laverne and The Todd were very sure of this reason. Dr Cox did not agree, as he claimed JD would have had to have found a girlfriend first. Nobody knew what he really thought, as he refused to tell anyone.

Turk and Carla fully believed JD was ill. Not cancer-ill, but cold-ill. Turk said to Elliot (and to anybody else that would listen) that JD would have told him if it was anything worse. JD wasn't sure if he was trying to persuade everyone else or himself.

Then there was the "He's depressed" one. JD despised this particular rumour, as he could not pick up a razor without fifteen people suddenly finding something urgent to talk to him about. He had been asked by Ted on several occasions whether the blood on his scrubs was really a patient's. The first few times he waved it away, but by the seventh time it was _really _creepy. Plus, the idea that he was _trying _to die made JD laugh (it was laugh or cry).

There was always the "lazy bastard" idea. He was skipping work, seeming tired. A lot of interns thought this, and would hiss things about him when he was gone. They usually only stopped when he came back, or when Turk threw something at them.

That he was switching hospitals was a pretty common one. The few people that had heard him mention St Giles assumed he had been offered a higher paying job. Elliot believed this. So did Dr Kelso, who instructed Ted to watch JD very closely….

The last one was that he had found a girlfriend, and was "too much in love to concentrate". The idea of him getting a girlfriend made JD want to laugh, but made him grateful that his acting was working.

It annoyed him though, that the hospital was separating much like it had in the Iraq argument. He was getting fed up of walking into rooms, and everyone falling silent.

* * *

_FUCK._

"Why is there a line for the guy'_s _bathroom?" Dr Cox snarled.

_You'd think Bobbo was running a zoo, how well he manages this shit heap. Of course, if he was managing a zoo, he'd be shut down for animal cruelty and putting tarmac in the visitor's food._

"What the hell are you looking at?" He hissed at a passing intern, who had made the grave mistake of glancing at the angry doctor's face.

_Damn interns. They never give me a second's rest. Honestly, I swear half of them run crying back to mummy and daddy after something goes wrong…._

Dr Cox was not in that good a mood, as JD had guessed.

_Fuck! Newbie! Um, uh, oh- what do I say? I was outside your door last week, and- no! Too stalker-ish. You gave me a receipt for a hospital, and- no, he probably doesn't even remember that At least smile at the kid. Wait, no! Don't let him know something's off. Scowl at him. Actually- wait. Why the hell am I getting so worked up about Susan's personal life? Maybe…_

_

* * *

_

JD walked past Dr Cox, who was still leaning against the wall, not seeming to have noticed that the queue for the bathroom had gone already.

"Susan" he nodded at JD, and JD continued on his way.

_You think he'd think more about what to say to me. Other than just 'Susan'._

* * *

JD slid his tray down beside Turk. On it lay a burger, fries and a can of drink. Under Carla's gaze, he swallowed half of the burger.

"Dude, can I have the rest of that?" Turk asked.

"No." Carla slapped Turk's hand away before JD could comment. "My Bambi needs his protein."

"Carla, he is 30 years old. He isn't 'Bambi' anymore."

"You're thirty years old, and you still complain if I don't cut the crusts of your sandwiches!" JD sniggered.

"I don't like tasting burnt bread with my cheese." Turk scowled.

Glad to be forgotten, JD discretely slipped his burger to Turk under the table. He looked up again to see Dr Cox approaching.

"Gandhi, Carla, Gladys." He greeted them in turn as he passed. When he said the last name, he locked onto JD's eyes and looked for a second. It was only a second, but it was enough to make JD's body jolt a little.

With Turk and Carla still arguing, JD stared down at his fries, wondering if they would disappear if he stared hard enough. It was then he noticed the piece of folded paper on his lap.

"Did either of you…" Turk and Carla looked up, and JD could tell they hadn't put it there. "Oh, never mind."

Turk and Carla turned back to each other, too caught up in their talk to question their friend.

JD ran his fingers over the smooth paper, trying to open it silently. He didn't know why he didn't want anyone else to see it. He just didn't. After a minute or so, a piece of hastily torn off lined paper lay smoothed out on his knees.

**On call room. 5 minutes. Be there.**

_So descriptive. _He thought moodily. At first he had no intentions of going, before realising it was a good way to get out of eating the rest of his meal.

"Ihavetogonow" he gabbled, scraping his chair back. Carla looked up, concerned.

"Everything okay Bambi?" She asked meaningfully.

_If she thinks I'm about to spill everything to her in the middle of a crowded cafeteria, she's wrong._

"Fine, thanks Carla." He said, leaving the note on his chair. "I just got paged, that's all." She rose an eyebrow.

"Uh, dude?" Turk said. "I didn't hear any noise."

"I know. It's broken."

"Then how do you know you got paged?" Carla demanded. She was not making this easy.

"Nurse told me." He said desperately.

"What? When?"

"Just now, when you two weren't paying attention anybody else."

_I am Guilt Trip man!_

"Fine." Carla said, a little sulkily. "Go."

JD didn't need to be told twice, and ran towards the on call room as fast as he could.

* * *

When JD got in, it was pitch black. He stood there uneasily for a few seconds.

_Someone's asleep, or the Janitor's here to knock me out._

Tension grew in JD, until he eventually switched the lights on whilst whispering "Sorry!". Nobody was asleep. The room was empty except for Dr Cox who was sat on a bad, completely still.

"Um… hello." JD said, when Dr Cox said nothing. He didn't get a reply either, so he continued. "So… I got a note, and-"

"What do I have to do to make you normal again?" JD blinked.

"Excuse me?"

"What do I have to do?" JD took a few steps closer. Dr Cox's face didn't change.

"I don't under-"

"You might think you've fooled everyone, Jeanine. But not me."

"You're not-"

Dr Cox pushed himself up and started circling JD.

"Don't. Just don't. Katherine, I know you have everybody else fooled with this "I'm okay, really!" impression you're doing, but not me. I don't know what's wrong with you, and I don't want to, but what do I have to do to make it stop?" The rant was fast, getting faster near the end.

"You don't care about me." JD rasped. "You don't. So why are you pretending?"

"Because the hospital's one good doctor down, Gandhi's one good friend down and I'm one good ex-intern down." JD didn't latch onto the praise, didn't start gushing.

"I don't care."

"'I don't care' won't get you far in life, Anastasia."

"Why not? It got you far enough."

"This isn't about me."

"No, it isn't." JD turned to the door, but Dr Cox was faster, blocking it with his body.

"Nuh uh uh. Bad Newbie. No leaving."

"You want to know what you can do for me?" JD shot out, fed up. "You can leave me alone. You can stop buying me things, and talking to me, and locking me in fucking rooms!" Dr Cox winced a little at the uncommon f-word from JD, who kept talking.

"You just don't get it, do you? You try to help me, but you never can! You never did! You always could have, but you took the easy way out every time. And now you just walk in here, and expect that you can suddenly make me okay? No chance. Now move."

"Fine." He stalked towards JD, pinning the slim man against the wall.

"There. I moved. Oh, and nasty rant, Daisy. You shouldn't be so mean to me." Dr Cox lisped.

"Fuck you." JD spat. He glared angrily into Dr Cox's eyes. Dr Cox stared right back.

_Don't break his gaze. Don't look away first._

It was too hard. Dr Cox's ice blue eyes pierced JD's.

_Crap._

Eventually JD dropped his eyes. He hadn't realized this manoeuvre would bring his gaze to the older man's lips. Which did not look good.

_Brace yourself for the "Oh my GOD, Eliza! Are you really THAT horny?" speech._

No words came. Instead, Dr Cox's eyes dropped too.

_Shit._

JD found himself very, very slowly moving his head forwards. Perry didn't back away.

_Shit. Oh shit…_

Perry's lips parted very slightly. JD swallowed nervously before doing the same, and moving even closer.

_Ohshitohshitohshit…  
_

Without any warning, Dr Cox stepped back.

"Nice try, Wilma." It was supposed to be sarcastic, but to JD's ears it just sounded shaky. JD didn't say a word. A moment of silence passed.

"You know what?" Dr Cox's voice suddenly rang out again. JD's eyes snapped up.

"Forget it." Dr Cox left as quickly as he could, almost running for the door. "Just forget it."

JD sunk down onto a bed.

_Well I guess you got your wish. _

He climbed in, suddenly exhausted.

_He's going to leave you alone from now on._

JD pulled the covers over his head and blocked out the world.


	6. Five Things About You

***presents Countdown muse for hugging***

**This chapter didn't turn out how I wanted… bahhh. Too short for a start. Next chapter will have more, I promise. **

**Eep. I'm about halfway through the story, and NOTHING has really happened. This is not a good thing.**

**Hope you like it!**

In the next few weeks, Dr Cox did exactly what he had said he would do. At first, if JD entered a room he left. But after about a week he simply stayed, finished whatever he was doing and completely ignored the man.

JD had trouble with this. Before, Dr Cox had just ranted. But now he really didn't seem to want anything to do with JD anymore. Turk, Carla and Elliot picked up on it, but JD didn't tell them anything. Just shrugged it away.

* * *

It was raining when JD arrived at the hospital. It seemed fitting somehow. His first patient of the day was a young woman called Karen Diment. As he walked into the room, he noticed she had a shaved head.

_I start chemo next week._

"What can I do for you, Miss Diment?" He asked as he walked in.

"I think I'm anaemic" she answered. "I've had chemotherapy recently, and now I'm so tired I can hardly stand up. I went jogging yesterday, but I only got to the end of my road before I almost fainted. I could hardly breathe, and I felt so weak."

"Okay." He nodded. "We'll see if we can do anything about that for you."

"Thank you." She smiled.

He looked closer at her chart.

_Breast cancer. _

"I'll get back to you." He left the room, walking quickly so he didn't have to dwell on just how many cancer patients were in this hospital. He kept his eyes on his feet as he walked.

Next thing he knew, he was flat on his back. He peered up to see what had happened, and saw Dr Cox striding away.

"Watch where you're going, Bambi." Carla advised as she helped him up. "Of all the people to bump into. I don't know why he's been so angry lately."

"Other than the fact that he's Dr Cox?" JD hissed, as he brushed dirt from his back.

"I don-" Carla's words were interrupted by a bang as the door slammed open. Bob Kelso strode through as if he expected everybody to start applauding, Ted following like a shadow.

"I don't want to spend longer than necessary talking, so I shall make myself clear right now." He said, seemingly addressing the wall. No eye contact for Dr Kelso.

"Morale has been down lately, and it shows. Happy doctors are good doctors, and good doctors don't squabble every 5 seconds! Dammit people! Do you even know anything about each other?"

There were defiant murmurs, which Dr Kelso heard. He spun, picked on a random intern.

"You! Tell me something about…" He pointed to a doctor who's name JD didn't know. "Him."

The girl blinked. "Umm…" She turned to her friend, an equally young blonde who wore too much makeup.

"I have no idea, Trish" She hissed.

"I know he screwed one of the nurses in a supply closet." The blonde said, lazily picking at her nail varnish.

"I did not!" The panicky doctor yelled.

"Yes, you did. I opened the door on you halfway through."

Before the argument could get any further, Dr Kelso interrupted.

"That is quite enough. See! Young…"

"Sammie." The first girl supplied.

"Young Shelly here doesn't know the first thing about that doctor! And all her tart of a friend knows-"

"Hey! I find that offensive." Trish protested.

"- is gossip and rumours."

"Um, sir?" JD asked nervously. Dr Kelso spun around.

"What is it? Come on boy, I'm busy."

"Um, where are you actually going with all of this?"

"I'd get there if you'd all stop talking long enough for me to get a sentence out! Now, I have devised an ingenious, original and technologically advanced method that will select, for you, a person. Ted, the hat."

Ted held out a hat filled with folded pieces of paper.

"You will take a name. You will then, on a separate piece of paper, write 5 facts about yourself that the other person does not yet know and post them through the 'Complaints' box. I will hand these out later this week. Understood?"

The intern from earlier- Sammie- raised her hand.

"Excellent! No questions! Ted, take the hat around would you? I'm too busy- got an appointment with a Japanese masseuse…"

Ted thrust the hat out, and people crowded around to get a name. There was lots of shoving, barging, and murmurs of "Oh god, not _her!_", but soon there was only one slip left, and as the crowds cleared JD picked it up.

_Bah. Figures._

"Who'd you get Bambi?" Carla asked, trying to see the paper.

"Yeah, who?" Turk added.

"I'm fucked." JD laughed suddenly.

"Wait, what?" Turk said, confused.

"I'm fucked." He repeated.

"Why?" Carla asked curiously. "Come on, it can't be that bad."

"Dr Cox."

"… you're fucked."

* * *

"So now I'm going to have to write 5 things about myself to the biggest jackass in Sacred Heart." He finished, turning towards Dr Roberts. He had come to St Giles to find her on her lunch break, and now they were sat out front.

"I'm fairly sure you should be telling the psychiatrist this instead."

"Oh, he'd love it. Numbered lists! Yey!" Dr Roberts laughed.

"What are you so afraid of?" She asked.

"Everything I write will be deemed 'girly'." He said, rolling his eyes. "And it will make this whole thing worse."

"What whole thing?" She asked.

_Crap. I forgot she doesn't know._

"Oh, nothing." He lied. "Anyway, I'd better get back. My lunch break's almost over."

"Can I come with you?" She said suddenly. "I want to meet all these friends you talk about so much."

"Well…" He hesitated. "You really shouldn't."

"Please?"

"No." He found himself saying.

_Brain! Attractive girl wanting to come with me! Say YES!_

"Well, maybe I could come visit you some other time?"

"I don't think so… sorry." Dr Roberts looked deflated, but suddenly smiled again.

"That's okay. See you soon, JD." She moved like she was going to hug him, but seemingly changed her mind and walked away instead.

* * *

Later that night, JD found himself still at Sacred Heart. He was alone, and he was angry at himself.

"Why the hell did I do that?" He hissed at himself. "She practically throws herself at me and I say no." He started pacing backwards and forwards.

"I don't like Elliot. I don't have a girlfriend. Why the _hell_ would I say no?" Suddenly he caught sight of himself in a nearby window.

_You know why._

JD snarled.

_Enough!_

He turned, ran back towards the nursing station. Carla, who was just leaving, looked concerned.

"Bambi, are you-?"

"No, Carla. No, I'm not." He grabbed a piece of paper and a pen and sprinted off again, towards Kelso's office.

_**Five Things about Me**_

_**By Dr. John Dorian**_

_**For Dr. Perry Cox**_

Leant against the wall, he scribbled the words fast; talking to himself as he did.

"I've had it." He snarled as he wrote. "I'm had it with all these secrets. It's gone too far. Too fucking far."

_**1. I've kissed a man before.**_

_**And we were both sober. **_

_**And it felt good.**_

He stopped for a minute.

_Do I really want to do this?_

He thought about Dr Roberts and Dr Cox. He thought about the chemotherapy, and the not knowing, and the never ending panic that someone would find out.

_**2. I don't mind the girl's names. I find them pretty sexy, actually.**_

_Yes. I do._

_**3. In case you hadn't guessed, I'm gay.**_

"No turning back now." He breathed, still writing.

_**4. I think I'm in love with you.**_

_Last one..._

_**5. I start chemotherapy for my kidney cancer tomorrow.  
**_

JD hesitated only for a second before pushing the paper into the box.


	7. Four Days

**I don't know what's happening now. This is getting more medical. If you know for a fact I've got something wrong, please tell me- I'm going on what Google told me, which is rarely a good idea. I promise I'll try and update more regularly now. I'm stressing the 'try' there. Oh, and this is a big chapter- sorry! Anyway, as always, hope you enjoy!**

Dr Cox was not easily startled. And when he wasshocked by something, the adrenaline would turn into anger. He would drive away, drink his own weight in scotch and punch a stranger in a bar somewhere. That was the way it had always had been, and the way it was probably always going to be. At least, he assumed so.

But finding Newbie curled up next to a pool table at midnight definitely shocked him. Nobody else in the dark, dingy bar seemed bothered. He nudged the comatose-looking man with his foot, and JD stirred, then sat up.

"What time is it?" He yawned.

"It's midnight, princess." He said gruffly. "Time to wake up before that scooter of yours turns back into a pumpkin."

"Dr Cox? Thought you weren't talkin' to me." JD mumbled, trying to pick himself up. Dr Cox ignored him.

"For God's sake, how much did you drink?"

"I dunno. But I had some green stuff and some fizzy stuff and some pink stuff. Ooh, and lots of gold stuff. Then some-"

"Woah, hold on there Katie." Dr Cox reached out and steadied JD as he tripped over on thin air.

"I'm okay!" JD insisted. "Gotta get away." He pushed himself up, clinging onto the pool table.

"Get away from what?" Dr Cox frowned.

"You." JD, one hand against the wall, dragged his feet along the floor.

"Me?" Dr Cox knew he should leave it, but couldn't help himself from wrapping an arm around JD's shoulders to keep him upright.

"Yesh" JD slurred.

"Why?"

"Left you a note. Can't be 'round for you to see it." JD's foot hit an uneven floorboard, and Dr Cox gripped him as he stumbled.

"A note? Where?"

"The 5 things thing. Hehe! Things thing. Thassfunny."

"You got me for Bobbo's 5 things… well, thing?"

"Yesh, I did." JD suddenly ran the hand not on the wall down Dr Cox's arm, stroking his wrists.

"Um, Audrey? What are you-"

"Sorry." JD giggled. "I get handsy."

"How are you getting home, Shirley?"

"On my scooter." Dr Cox looked at him.

"You are not driving."

"I can!"

"No. No, you cannot."

"How else can I go home?" JD looked confused.

"I'll give you a lift." JD stared in awe.

"In the Porsche?" Dr Cox winced.

"If I have to, then yes. In the Porsche."

"Okay." JD submitted. "But then I have to get away from you, so you have to go home, okay?"

"Yes, Newbie." Dr Cox had taken to just agreeing with whatever the man said, whilst steering him towards the car. He opened the passenger door and pushed JD gently in.

"This car feels nice." JD commented randomly as Perry slid in and closed his door.

"Yes. It does. So if you do anything to damage it, I may have to kill you." JD nodded. Dr Cox looked at him and laughed.

"God, you are going to have on hell of a hangover tomorrow. Good luck working."

"Won't be working." JD mumbled, slumping against the car window.

"Won't you?" Dr Cox glanced over as he pulled out of the car park.

"No, I go to another hospital tomorrow."

"Do you? Why?" A thought occurred to Dr Cox. "You're not moving hospitals, are you?" JD shook his head.

"No, Kee-mo." He sounded out.

"Clarice, I'm gonna need you to speak English."

"Kee-mo!" JD said angrily. "Ya-know, keemo. Like therapy."

"Kee-" Dr Cox stared blankly at the road in front of him. "Chemotherapy?" JD nodded enthusiastically.

"Thasswhat I said!"

"But what do you need it for?" When Dr Cox got no answer, he turned to face JD and saw the man curled up in his seat, fast asleep.

* * *

JD knew from the second he woke up he had made a mistake. It felt like an explosion had gone off in his head. He blinked, and groaned, clutching for his pillow. A different scent hit him as he pushed his head against the fabric. It was a nice smell, and JD took a minute to appreciate it. It took a minute for it to occur to him that that was not his pillow, and that this was not his bed.

He forced his eyes to open properly, and realised he had _no idea who's room this was. _He looked down, and saw he was wearing only his underwear. No idea where he was, in a complete stranger's apartment, JD smiled.

_Damn, somebody got some last night!_

"You have an hour before you need to be at the hospital." A gruff voice said. Eh? Gruff? No, this was supposed to be the bit where a blonde wandered in, peeling her bra off as she spoke.

"Wha now?" A thought struck JD.

_Shit, this is her boyfriend. He's going to kill me. I am going to need to be in a hospital in an hour because he is going to beat the shit out of me for an hour._

"Didn't know she was taken!" JD said, each word sounding like a shout to him. He had no idea if he had, in fact, known if said girl was taken. He didn't remember the girl.

"I said, an hour for you to get over your hangover and get your girly ass out of my bed, Hazel."

…. _Hazel? Girly? My bed? Oh- _Oh. _Shit._

"Dr Cox?" JD looked up, wincing at the light.

"The one and only. Now clothes on, ass out."

_Shit, shit, shitttt._

"Why am I here?" JD asked desperately.

"You got your ass trashed in a bar somewhere and I dragged you out."

"Why didn't you take me back to my apartment?" Dr Cox laughed.

"What, and let you kill yourself? As tempting as it sounds compared to having to sleep on the sofa, I figured Carla'd attack me if I did."

JD smiled wanly. Dr Cox left, and JD got to getting dressed as quickly as he could.

* * *

Dr Cox wasn't sure if he had made a mistake in not believing Newbie's claim about chemotherapy. Sure, the man was completely out of it, but maybe there was a grain of truth to it? Dr Cox swore out loud, gripping the wheel of the Porsche.

_He probably meant one of his patients gets chemo tomorrow. _A voice in the back of his mind reassured him.

_Then why would he say he was leaving?_

_How the hell should I know? _Arguing with himself was nothing more than a waste of time, and he decided he'd worry only when JD didn't show up. _If _JD didn't show up.

_Why do you even care? _He wondered.

He didn't even _like _the overly feminine, clingy, childish idiot.

But even as he thought the words he knew they were a lie.

* * *

"This is gonna make you feel pretty rough for a while." Dr Roberts chuckled. JD glared.

"Tell me something I don't know." Seeing a flash of hurt on her face, he hurriedly changed his track.

"Sorry, sorry. I've just seen how chemotherapy like this makes patients at Sacred Heart feel, and-"

"Oh yes, how is Sacred Heart?" JD blinked a little at the sudden change of topic.

"I wouldn't know." He confessed to her.

"Oh, and why not?" She frowned.

"I don't work there anymore."

"Really?"

"Yup. Handed everything in, talked to Kelso. Didn't tell him why I was leaving, just that I was."

"What are you going to do for money?" She asked, concerned.

"I don't know. I've got some saved up, and there's my parents... I think I'll be okay for a little while."

"Couldn't you ask your friends?" JD looked to the floor guiltily. "Wait a minute- you didn't tell your _friends?"_

"I don't want to!" He snapped. "For years I was pretty much a needy child that whined about everything. I need to show them I can stand by myself!"

"Yes, but this isn't a break up, this is cancer." Dr Roberts shot back.

"I don't care." JD sighed. He ran his hands through his hair. "I'll make something up, or something like that. To be honest, I don't want to think about it right now."

* * *

JD was at home the next day, watching some pointless sitcom, when there was a hard knock at the door.

His first thought was of Carla, or Elliot. He'd unplugged his phone after the tenth call yesterday. He'd ended up switching off his mobile to. And at last check, he had 19 new email messages that he wasn't going to bother reading. He opened the door a little, and peered out.

But instead of the blonde head of Elliot, or the dark curly hair of Carla, he saw someone completely different. He grimaced, then put on a smile.

"Hi, Dr Cox."

He shut the door before Dr Cox could open his mouth, and so missed most of the curse words. But he got the gist of it.

"How did you even get up here? Go away." JD hissed, all fake politeness gone.

"Let me in." Dr Cox said, loudly and clearly.

"No."

"Let me in _now._" JD was silent, but didn't move.

"Let me in or I'll break my way in." Dr Cox threatened.

"And I'll have you arrested for it."

"You could do, but we both know you won't."

There was another moment of silence, and then a sigh and a click as JD opened his door.

"You look awful." Dr Cox greeted JD.

"Thanks."

"I mean it." JD knew he looked bad. He was pale, with bags under his eyes from not having slept. He was still wearing pyjamas and he hadn't bothered styling his hair.

"And so, princess, how come I didn't see you in Sacred Heart this morning? Take a day off for the hangover?" Dr Cox wandered in, and jumped onto JD's couch.

"Make yourself at home then." JD muttered under his breath. He then spoke normally. "No, it wasn't because I have a hangover."

"Well then, what's-"

"Have you read that 5 things about you note?"

"What? Why?"

"Have you?" JD stared at Dr Cox, who shook his head.

"No, I haven't."

"Go and read it. But if I were you I wouldn't come back here afterwards."

"Okay, what the hell's-"

"Just do it." JD was irritable already, and Dr Cox's impatience wasn't helping. "Now, can you please just _go?_"

Dr Cox silently got up, and walked towards the door. Just before JD could close the door, Dr Cox spoke again.

"So, what should I tell Bobbo as to why you're not at work?"

"I don't need you to tell him. I've already told him. I've quit." JD said, tiredness evident in his voice. This time he closed and double locked the door, ignoring the yells of his name and the bangs at the wood.

* * *

It was the end of the next day, and JD pretty much figured Dr Cox had given up. Had he read the note and spread the gossip around the whole hospital? Painted JD as the pathetic little boy? Whatever, JD decided. He didn't care anymore. He didn't think he had the energy to care. The chemotherapy was wiping everything out of him.

It wasn't like no one had tried to get in contact with him. He'd unplugged his phone again. The same people kept calling- "Carla, Elliot, Turk, Elliot, Turk, Carla, Elliot, Turk…". On one occasion, Carla and Elliot had actually come round. They gave up after half an hour of yelling his name, and begging for him to let them in.

He knew he was treating his friends like shit, and he knew it wouldn't work forever. But he didn't care- he wanted to be alone for once.

He was sitting on the sofa- again- watching some shitty sitcom rerun- again- when his door opened.

JD blinked. Then realised. He'd gone out to buy something, forgotten to lock his door on his return. Mentally hitting himself for being such an idiot, he looked towards the door, waiting for Carla to come in and berate him.

By now, he really should've learnt to expect the unexpected. But it still shocked the hell out of him when it was_ Dr Cox _closing the door neatly behind him, _Dr Cox _walking towards him…

… and Dr Cox kissing him.

_Wait, what?_

Dr Cox- no, he supposed it was Perry now, if he was kissing the guy- had wrapped his arms around JD's shoulders and JD happily pulled him closer. JD was very happy to just stay there kissing Perry, and he was not impressed when the other man pulled away, no doubt to say something romantic and life changing.

"You're such a fucking drama queen, Britney."

Well, some things never change.


	8. Three Lines of AN

I'm rewriting this! :)

On my new account X Amount, I'll be redoing this and a few others. So if you want to read Countdown, do it there.

Sorry to send you guys who had shoved me on Story Alert the false excitement- but Countdown is coming back, so it IS quite exciting. xx


End file.
